I've felt depressed for most of my life. As a child, I've exhibited symptoms of depression, especially isolation and irritability. I always thought it was part of my personality and accepted that I'd always feel like an outsider. Adolescence started a new "wave" of depression for me. Hormones seemed to trigger it, and thoughts of suicide/not wanting to live were very prevalent. As an adult, I still struggle with my moods and hold onto lifelong thought processes that don't easily stop from "thinking positive."
For the most part, I've had a stable family life. I'm fortunate that I haven't been subject to physical abuse, and haven't experienced above average trauma in my life. However, depression runs in my family. There are also social factors that might have contributed to the way I feel. From others' points of view, I've accomplished a lot with my life. No peace prizes or anything like that, but I got good grades, graduated college, made friends in adulthood and held steady jobs. Pretty average for my socioeconomic status. Other than that, I seem to be in pretty good physical health.
I've been diagnosed as having Dysthymia and/or Major Depression. So basically, I have unipolar depression. Dysthymia is considered a mild form of depression, also known as Chronic Depression. Dysthymia can lead to Major Depression if left untreated, or if some life event triggers a deep depression (known as double depression). I also struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka "SAD".), Anxiety and possibly PMDD. I'll discuss more about different forms of depression/anxiety in another post.
My treatments are psychotherapy and medications. I've been dealing with medications for over 10 years, and unfortunately, none of the medications had any effect on me. Just many pharmacy visits, high costs, and a lot of frustration.
Many people look at me and say "you have nothing to be depressed about." Although I'm somewhat flattered by such comments, I'm also extremely frustrated and ashamed. Ashamed that I can't seem to snap out of it and get over myself. Frustrated that I can't feel hopeful and positive, and struggle to find purpose and meaning in my life. I'm also angry that friends and family can't understand how I feel. They tell me that I need to be more positive, that things can be worse, and that everyone feels sad. That, in turn, makes me feel more inadequate.
I've tried everything the self help books/professionals suggest, including finding a spiritual path in life, volunteering, exercising, eating better. I will admit that certain things have helped manage my depression, and that you have to find what is right for you. However, those same things are short-term fixes that don't fill up the emptiness I feel inside.
